


Don't Let Your Wonder, Turn into Closure

by Random_Fandom_writer



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Based on True Events, Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen) Is a Good Boyfriend, Connor Murphy Lives (Dear Evan Hansen), Established Relationship, I love him, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm bad at a lot of things, Late Night Conversations, Light Angst, M/M, and a good listener
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-30
Updated: 2019-04-30
Packaged: 2020-01-12 02:46:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18437417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Random_Fandom_writer/pseuds/Random_Fandom_writer
Summary: It's weird how the things you'd think you'd be happy to notice, can be so earth shatteringly scary.Or...Evan comes to a startling conclusion.





	Don't Let Your Wonder, Turn into Closure

**Author's Note:**

> (Title from "Older" by Ben Platt)  
> I love his new album, and anyone reading this should listen to it ASAP.
> 
> Trigger warnings: Anxiety/anxiety attacks, depression, talks of death/suicide
> 
> Venting? In my fanfics? It's more likely thank you think.

It's weird how the things you'd think you'd be happy to notice, can be so earth shatteringly scary.

Like realizing you _don't actually_ want to die. At least not anymore.

_'This is messed up._ _Aren't you supposed to feel happy? Relived?'_

Maybe.

Although instead of the weight lifting off his shoulders, it feels like ten more pounds have been added on.

Not like he's ever really been normal.

Evan doesn't know exactly _when_ the feeling started, nor when it stopped, and that's fucking terrifying. But he does remember the exact moment he knew.

 

* * *

 

 

There was no big moment. Just him. Alone in his bed, pondering those deep questions you only ever really think about when you are sleep deprived.

And suddenly he couldn't breathe.

Since when did _'I want to die'_ become _'I don't want to die'?_

_'I don't want to die, I don't want to die, I don't want to die, I **don't want to die, I don't want to die-'**_

Shaking hands turned into a shaking body and- _' we've done this before Evan get a hold of yourself'-_

Grounding. He needed something grounding, to latch onto. _'Focus Evan, find something.'_

His eyes caught the glow in the dark stars that had been glued to the roof since he was six. His dad spent a good portion of an afternoon trying to get them to stick to the ceiling. _O_ _f course come a year later, looking at those stars were enough to make him sick to his stomach._

_'Ok maybe not that.'_

And the panic was back, rearing it's ugly head once again.

Suddenly he was aware of how alone he was.

_'Call Connor, call Connor, call Connor, call Connor, call-'_

"Hello?"

_'I did **not**  plan this far. I didn't even think he'd pick up. What the **fuck** was I thinking, since when is calling people a thing I do? And at two in the fucking morning, oh my God Evan you are so stupidstupidstupid-'_

"Evan, you there? I can hear you breathing."

Silence.

"I'm on my way."

"Wait, no, you don-don't have to I'm fi-" The line cut off. "Connor?"

_'Dammit. now look what you've done?"_

***

Time was moving fast. Faster than Evan thought necessary. Or maybe it was going slower and it was only Evan's brain moving fast. It did feel unnaturally muddy.

A sound reverberated through Evan's unlit room, a bright screen flashing once, before dimming.

_'Right, phone, Connor. Connor, is he here yet? Should he be here by now? How long has it been?-'_

Connor: _im outside if you dont answer in a minute im coming in_  

His hands were still shaking, and with the fear of being unable to type coherently, he set his phone down and waited.

_'I can wait.'_

 

* * *

 

 

"Evan?" Connor opened the (thankfully- and unsafely- unlocked) door gently, peering around the unoccupied living room.

Silence.

He didn't really expect an answer anyways.

"Evan, it's Connor. I'm gonna come and meet you upstairs is that alright?" Not waiting for an answer, he walked up the stairs and down the unlit hallway, stopping in front of the others bedroom. With slight hesitance, he pushed the door open, immediately stooping to the edge of Evans bed.

The other was sitting cross legged, head downcast. His frame was trembling slightly and tight gasps emitted from his throat.

"Ev." Connor spoke gently, his voice level and soothing. "Is it ok if I touch you?" The boy in questions hand shot out and Connor wrapped his own around it.

***

Time passes faster when you're panicking, and all Evan wanted was for everything to _slow down._

It's also quite torturing.

Of course it was easier when you're not alone, which Evan didn't have the luxury of knowing up until senior year.

So it was better. A little less torturing, a little less fast.

That, however, doesn't make the problem go away.

"Baby, if you stay like that for any longer you're gonna hurt your neck. Can you sit up for me?"

Sitting up wasn't going to make the problem go away either, thank you very much. He quite liked this position. Sure, he was a little hunched, and his chest was constricted, but he was small and safe like this. So no. He would not sit up for him.

"Please?"

_'Dammit.'_

He clenched his teeth, straightening his back and neck, which held a slight ache and- _'God, I kinda hate it when you're right'._

"Thank you. Now can you breathe with me please? Just like Dr. Sherman instructed, in for four, hold for seven, out for eight." He breathed in exaggeratedly, demonstrating for him, as Evan followed suit. "You're doing so well baby, can I join you on the bed?" A shaky nod from the other prompted him to slide up behind him, pulling Evan into his lap.

***

It felt good to be held.

_'Was that weird? it's probably weird, don't make it weird Evan.'_

But the strong arms wrapped around his mid-waist made any negative factor vanish from his brain.

He could stay like this for forever.

"Wanna talk about what happened?"

_'Nonononononono-'_

"Hey, Ev baby relax, we don't have to, it's fine. It's all fine." The blond relaxed a bit at that, leaning into Connor as he trailed his fingers up and down his side.

***

Connor was to good for Evan. Much to good. Connor was gentle, and soothing, and sweet ~~when he wanted to be~~ , and a million other things that Evan was not. He was soft touch, and steady hands. Most importantly he was the only thing tethering him to the ground.  

Connor Murphy had saved Evan Hansen.

And for the first time in a long time Evan did not want to die.

He wanted to see the purples and reds of the sunsets from the treetops. He wanted to see the waves as they crashed against the sand. He wanted to see, and feel, and _live God dammit,_ he desperately wanted to live. He wanted to live to see tomorrow, and next week. He wanted to live to see graduation, and college, and as far as life would take him. Most of all, he wanted to live to see Connor.

 

It was a whisper at first. Hesitant. "I don't want to die." _again._ "I _don't_ want to die." He tested the words out. _again._ "I _don't_  want to _die_." Urgent, firm, _again._ "I _don't want to die Connor_ , I don't want to." Desperate, frantic, breathless.

Connor shushed him, pulling him closer to his chest. "That's good baby, that's so good." He planted a kiss to the top of his head, humming softly.

"No, _nonononono_ Connor it's not, nothing is ok don't you understand?-"

"Evan, hey, hey, hey, relax. Relax baby-"

"No." Evan squirmed in his hold, breaking away. He scrubbed his face, wiping away the frustrated tears threatening to spill. "Con-nor" Hs voice cracked in the middle. "I- I've spent _so long_ feeling fucking sorry for myself and I _don't want to die._ What- Why- What am I supposed to- I don't _know anymore,_ I don't know."

The other boy just looked confused. "Evan, I don't- why aren't you happy?."

"... I don't know."

"Want to tell me about it?" He scooched closer, reaching his hands out hesitantly. Evan graciously accepted his embrace, returning to his original positon in his arms.

"I just... It was all so _bad._ So bad that it was all I could think about... And I just though so many _things..._ I just don't think I realized when I stopped believing them." He paused, opening and closing his mouth.

"Take your time."

"...It just shouldn't be so scary. Shouldn't this be a good thing?" Evan let out a frustrated sob, reaching up to pull at his hair. Connor softly batted his hands away before he could. "Why can't I just be normal?"

Connor heaved a sigh. "I don't know. But neither of us are normal. Our brains are fucked up, and we can't fix it... But I think that's ok." He smiled softly, resting his chin on Evans shoulder. "It's also ok to react a little different to things. This is... A big deal, and it'll take some getting used to."

Evan gave a watery smile. "I love you."

"I love you too. We'll get through this together, I promise."

 

For the first time in a long time, Evan wanted to live. He wanted to stay up late and see the stars. He wanted to see Connor smile at him, be kissed by him, be loved by him. He wanted that, and more.

So he was going to live.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, me projecting again. 
> 
> I came to the realization recently that "hey, you don't want to die actually" and that was confusing and scary. I never really understood why most people write about the characters just starting to be more ok and completely accepting that "cool, I'm no longer suicidal." They even seem happy at the fact. For me it wasn't smooth or simple, and it took a while for me to come to terms with. It was something I had lived with for so long and then it all just clicked and shifted. Everything was different and it was heckin scary.


End file.
